A Cat Post

I actually got a comment on one of my posts!  Somebody managed to stumble up on this little blog that I haven't updated in over 6 months so now I feel the need to start posting again.  One of these days I'll actually have the time to figure out how to start getting eyeballs on this thing. I wish I were as witty as The Bloggess, maybe if I start taking Xanax that will happen, I'll do it if it will make me as funny as her. I do like to use the word fuck too often so maybe there's hope for me yet.  So my back from hiatus topic is....a day in the life of my cat Ollie and the funny things he does that make me laugh...or want to kick him across the room depending on what it is. Because I know you want to read all about my cat.


Oliver Coutts begins his day by waking me earlier and earlier as the days go by.  It used to be around 6, not too bad considering I get up at 6:30.  Recently it's been more like 5, even had a 4:30 this past Saturday morning.  Ollie wakes me up that early because he is starving...like can't live without food this instant hungry.  Ollie weighs 15 pounds, he's not starving, I promise. I squirt him with a bottle of water every morning.  He looks at me like, "You dumb asshole, that's not going to work," licks the water off and proceeds to whine some more.  Sometimes I throw pillows at him, sometimes I yell at him, the yelling often turns into "I hate you!" after about half an hour of his whining.  I usually break after about half an hour and get up and feed him his ration of 1 tablespoon of wet food, he doesn’t get dry food until later. I also open the balcony door so he can go outside and hunt birds...and leave me the fuck alone. On weekends that works for about 10 minutes, then he comes back in our bedroom and whines more, usually until I get out of bed for good, then he just disappears.  My husband, the lucky bastard, is usually able to sleep through all of this.


When I walk in the door from work every day he greets me at the door having just slept all day and does the typical cat thing of purring and winding himself around my legs.  Then he proceeds to flop over on his back because he is fat and doesn't like to stay on his feet for too long. I pet him on his stomach for about 10 seconds before he attacks:

He loses interest pretty quickly because he wants to eat dinner.  But he doesn’t get dinner until 7pm so I usually have to listen to him whine and bang at the cupboard where his food is for about and hour and a half.  Now with most cats you just leave food in their bowl and they can control their eating. Not Oliver, when we first got him we did that and he got so fat so quickly that we had to start rationing him ¼ cup of food twice a day. And if for some reason we are late feeding him (usually because we went out drinking after work) he eats his food so quickly that he almost instantly barfs, wonderful.

Here are a few other things that are often a part of Ollie's daily routine.
 

Sometimes Ollie likes to scrapbook with me:

He recently made it up onto the fridge and perches, Ollie loves perching:

He can occasionally shoot lazers out of his eyes if he's on point:

He is obsessed with cantelope and mauls it every morning when I cut it up for my breakfast:

He also perches like a gargoyle outside the fence on our balcony, one of these days he’s going to convince himself he can really get one of those birds and jump: